Invader Stu set out a list of warning signs that you might be becoming Dutch. So here’s my score.
› You no longer freak out when someone reminds you that the entire country is below sea level.
I’ve seen the afsluitdijk, what’s the problem?
› You’ve forgotten what hills and mountains look like.
I remember what they look like… I just don’t remember how to walk up them without dying.
› You’ve discovered a way of using the friendly greeting “hello” as a sarcastic insult.
I don’t think so.
› You’ve developed a natural instinct to sit in a circle at any party or social gathering that you are invited to.
Yes, and I’ll instinctively help arrange the chairs.
› You’ve continued to ride the same bike for the past two years despite the rather unhealthy and painful squeaking sound it has developed (which causes nearby pedestrians to bleed from their ears).
No, I couldn’t stand the noise and caved after a mere 15 months.
› You’ve shouted at tourists while cycling past on a bike.
› You’ve “pimped” your bike with fake flowers.
Does a big ladybird count? Yes
› You own either: a large pair of novelty orange glasses, a large novelty orange inflatable crown, an orange feather boa and / or a pair of orange dungarees that you wear at any event that requires a display of Dutch pride (Queens Day, Football matches, etc).
I suspect my orange beaded tiara headdress counts as a “yes”
› You’ve developed an unhealthy obsession with mixing random vegetables with mashed potatoes.
Sounds a lot like my Friday night dinner, usually called “healthy fridge leftovers”; so that’s a yes.
› You actually understood the above joke.
› You now consider mayonnaise to be its own food group.
No. And mayonnaise does not belong on fries in my world.
› You think standing on the fragile ice over the city’s polluted (and often peed in) canals in large numbers is a good idea.
Hell yeah – and I’ve got the photos to prove it!
› You get excited about “Pepernoten Season.
Yes, and I can converse about Pepernoten strategies – to make sure you still feel like eating them when Decemeber 5th rolls around.
› You now say “half a year” instead of “six months.”
Probably; but it’s six of one half a dozen of the other.
› You’ve eaten raw herring without it being part of a bet you lost.
› You’ve stuck up for Sinterklaas in the annual Sinterklaas vs. Santa argument (and Zwarte Piet has started to seem less offensive).
Partial yes, I like the traditional Sinterklaas, with the poems and the surprises. But Zwarte Piet still seems as bizarre as the first time I saw him.
› You’ve considered red trousers a “fashionable option”
No. Niet. Nooit.
I count that as 9 yes’s, 5 nos and 3 maybes. Seems like I’ve passed the tipping point and am becoming Dutch. And that’s without following an inburgeringscursus.
I’d also add one; you can pronounce a sentence in Dutch with multiple ‘g’s without running out of spit.